It is tempting to see Joseph as righteous because he “does right by Mary”. But this version misses the story’s most powerful truth.
How Joseph embodies the presence of God.
Advent 4A | Matthew 1:18-25
Rose and I have made it abundantly clear that our kids will not be dating until they’re 30.
Now some might suggest that this is an unrealistic rule. Saying that perhaps we need to rethink it. I’m sure we will. There is little doubt that they will both seek to renegotiate these terms sooner than that.
But how is that we all know that?
There are a variety of reasons. Most of us who are over 30 dated before we were 30. And I’m willing to bet that a really high number of people in that category even got married before that age.
Interestingly, last year’s average age of men marrying for the first time was…30. For women, it was 28. So really, not far off!
This is significantly higher than back in 1990 when it was 26 for men and 23 for women. And way higher than 23 and 20 (!) in 1960.
So, we may laugh, but it is far less crazy than it used to be. Things do change.
Now, back to that no dating before 30 rule.
We all know that Rose and I may not be 100% serious. But why are we so sure?
Perhaps it is because there are dozens of unspoken, unrecognized rules in life that are common, though not universally held. We agree on a lot of concepts but not enough to make them rules. So a lot of us grow up with ideas that are just…ideas. When is too young to date? What counts as dating?
For many of us, we associate dating with high school. Or we think of how dating patterns differ by generation.
For instance, my parents are both Baby Boomers. They were married in 1969 when both were 20. Which was pretty close to average. My Mom was right at the age and my father was about two and a half years below the average for men. So they were right in line for the time. Few people thought they were too young.
And even in the late-1990s when I was their age, many of my peers were making plans for graduating and marrying. Many didn’t want to leave college without an engagement in place.
These aren’t laws, of course. Yet cultural norms and expectations are powerful. And we rarely acknowledge what values we are communicating about our most intimate relationships when we talk to each other. Instead we fixate on age, rings, clothes, venues, invitations, and how much the wedding is going to cost.
These aren’t the most healthy expectations for mutually-beneficial, nurturing, life-partnerships between consenting adults who love each other.
If we can’t even be real about love and how far our ideals are from our expectations, well then we shouldn’t be that surprised.
So if we’ve got some junk messed up, imagine how messed up the priorities were 2000 years ago.
The Expectations For Joseph
All of the stuff that must be running through Joseph’s head—I can only imagine the voices he’s hearing. His mother, father, brother, neighbor, rabbi. All of these voices telling him who he is supposed to be and how he is going to take care of this young woman he’s engaged to.
After all, they’re engaged. Which means he’s already talked to the parents and promised to take her. They have no doubt given him the dowry. The contract is signed. He’s going to be a husband soon.
And these voices are telling him all sorts of stuff. People tell the soon-to-be bride and groom really terrible things. If it’s anything like what we say to each other before weddings, I can only imagine what Joseph and Mary are hearing. Probably lots of “how to be a real man” and “how to be a real lady.”
But the news has hit him like the Temple falling on his head. She’s pregnant. He knows it’s not his. It can’t be…technically. But even if it were, this whole thing is over. It has to be.
Not because he doesn’t love her. I’m sure he does. But his love has zero to do with it.
Everyone else’s expectations are the fuel to the bonfire. They’ll grab the torches and stones. He only has two really terrible options.
1. He goes public.
They can’t have marital relations and yet she’s pregnant. The law says that she is to be stoned to death. So if he acknowledges that she is pregnant, she will be murdered.
2. He gets rid of her.
This would likely spare her life, but would ensure she has no chance of being married and would bring incredible shame on the family. She would be shunned, powerless, and reduced to nothing.
And because he’s righteous, Joseph intends to save her. The only way he can.
That’s when the angel shows up.
Don’t mistake the timing for something trivial, a coincidence. The angel comes to be with him for the biggest trial of his life. Just not the one Joseph intends.
The angel gives him a third option: don’t be afraid of Mary. To marry her and be her husband. Don’t be afraid of the baby. When he is born, name him Jesus.
This is the theme from the beginning of the gospel. God is there. God is there from the beginning with blessing and commitment. Through the whole of the community from Abraham to David to Joseph staring at the night sky.
God is with Joseph and Mary through the ensuing months of hiding and shunning; through the pain and loss of family and community that will inevitably come. Even as their family will abandon them, they don’t get to be alone in this.
Not just because this particular baby is in that womb, is born, is named Jesus. Before the dream and in the years after it.
God is with the Magi coming from the East and warning them to avoid Jerusalem. And with Joseph, Mary, and Jesus when they flee to Egypt to escape the clutches of Herod.
Joseph is called to a ministry of presence with his family to incarnate that same message Jesus brings. That Jesus was born to bring.
“and they shall name him Emmanuel”
The angel tells Joseph to name him Jesus.
Emmanuel. God with us. The Scriptures say.
So they named him Jesus.
But the author gives us that bit in the middle about fulfilling prophecy and naming the boy Emmanuel. Which means God with us.
Like that is a synonym for Jesus.
Jesus=Emmanuel=God with us.
Jesus is God with us.
So he has to be withed by a family who loves him. They stay with him. Protect him. Hold him tight. Swaddle and feed him. Watch him in the night and jump at his cries. Jesus needs people to be with him as God is with him. It is only fitting.
This withness of Jesus is the reflection of God’s promise to Abraham, to his children, to all of creation. Because God is with us. God is always with us.
He is named Jesus, which means salvation.
And Emmanuel, God with us.
Matthew gives us two names because to us, these are the same name. God with us equals salvation because salvation equals God with us.
Withness
All of the expectations being put on this baby — “ for he will save his people from their sins.” On this young woman — to bare a child conceived by the Holy Spirit. And on this man — to not only avoid fearing her, but protecting them, being with them. Perhaps they would seem a burden; a heavy load.
Alone they would be. But they’re not alone.
This son of David should have the royal guard to protect him; family ties and connections; wealth and status. He has none of it. As vulnerable as a peasant before the tyrant king, fleeing as a refugee, resettling, in the end, in the middle of nowhere. Seemingly with nothing.
But we know that isn’t true.
God with us. Salvation.
Mary—Beloved. Bitter. Rebellious.
Joseph—He will add.
God with them. God with us. Because God is in the with. When we are with each other. With those we love. And with the powerless, the shunned, the refugee, the holy family. One with us.
May God be with us, holding us, loving us, giving a whole life for us. God simply being God. With us in it.