Many of us are struggling to communicate and feeling connected. And the thing is, it predates the pandemic.
Episode 38 of the Make Saints podcast: “The Biggest Challenge to Communication”
the episode script
The last few years have provided some real obstacles for our communities, neighborhoods, and families.
And one obstacle that I have heard a lot, perhaps more often than any other, has been communication.
The simple fact that in March 2020, we suddenly couldn’t be in the same room with each other felt devastating to us. Humans are social creatures. And we couldn’t sit at a table and share conversation over coffee. No proverbial water coolers to talk at.
And we all knew email wasn’t going to hack it.
As much as we adapted and tried new ways of connecting with one another, for many, it didn’t feel like enough. And in that way, it is easy to blame the pandemic itself, or the lack of face-to-face opportunities.
“It’s just not as good” we often say.
And yet, even as many of us got more and more face-to-face time, I would still hear about communication. Here we are! We fixed the problem, didn’t we? We’re meeting in the same room. We’re gathering face-to-face. So why didn’t the problem go away?
The problem isn’t a lack of communication. Or bad communication. It’s that we don’t understand communication.
Two Ways
There are two ways we communicate. Synchronous and asynchronous.
Synchronous means “existing or occurring at the same time”. So synchronous communication is the sort that happens all at once.
Being in the same room with another person, which many of us value for the nonverbal communication cues we get, is the epitome of synchronous communication. Because we’re all there together, experiencing the thing together.
Another example of this is a phone call, facetime, or zoom meeting. We are on the call at the same time.
Asynchronous is the opposite: not at the same time. Examples of this include letters, email, and text messages. Essentially, anything written or recorded means you have done it and someone else will receive it later than that.
The beauty of Asynchronous communication is that we can take our time to craft a message. While Synchronous benefits from spontaneity and timing, Asynchronous offers more specificity and planning.
Asynchronous communication also affords us brevity. If I take 30 minutes to craft a note or record a short video that will take someone else 5 minutes to read or watch, I’ve saved them twenty minutes of pleasantries and about 15 minutes of trying to explain the concept.
The difference between these two is paramount.
And there is genuine benefit to both. One is no better than the other. It’s just that one can be more valuable for certain situations than others.
For instance, we all prefer face-to-face, synchronous communication for bad news. We all publically mock the idea of breaking up via text. But there are times when you really do hope nobody picks up the phone so you can leave a 90 second message. I don’t need to talk to you, I just need to pass this info along! Similarly, I don’t want to interrupt you, but let you know that I need a Synchronous conversation at some point.
Voice mail is an example of Asynchronous communication using a medium that was designed to be Synchronous. See how this can mix us up?
So this is where it gets more complicated. Because the difference between Synchronous and Asynchronous is time.
One is at the same time and the other is not.
Which means the time when Synchronous communication happens is fixed and Asynchronous communication is fluid. It is simply not now. Asynchronous time is undefined.
Voicemail is Asynchronous because I can’t determine when you will listen to it. Same with instant messaging and texting. We can have a conversation, but it is never truly synchronous because it is never happening at once. It is only ever an exchange. And one that can occur over the course of a minute or a lifetime.
The challenge for Asynchronous communication is that its timing is completely unpredictable.
I can send you a text and expect you to see it, but that doesn’t mean you will. And it is my expectation that is faulty. I am not justified in getting mad at you for not responding to a text right away.
If the person sitting next to you doesn’t bother to listen, you are rightly angry. This violates the nature of Synchronous communication. But we can’t expect other people to respond to email and texts like they are in the room with us.
Asynchronous communication also offers us the faulty assumption that we’ve completed our work of communication by sending the message. I put “talk to Steve” on my to-do list, type up an email, hit send, and cross it off my list. Done!
Except that I have no assurance that Steve actually got the message. Or understands it.
But remember,
Synchronous is not better.
It is entirely different. It is expensive. People have to be in the same room, schedule time and other resources. They must be willing to small talk and connect and use our “soft skills”.
It requires a different kind of planning and has the challenge of happening live, so there is no edit button. You don’t get to take back what was said. Or a poor reaction. And often, you don’t get to plan every second of the moment. Because we’re dependent on others for what they offer.
But most importantly, it is genuinely different.
“That meeting should have been an email.”
I’m sure you’re familiar with the phrase: that should have been an email. The meeting was boring, one-sided, and really kind of useless. The kind of thing that took us 25 minutes to get to, only to have someone drone on for 30-45 minutes, and you walked out with notes that simply read:
“Get the mailing done by Friday.”
We also know the reverse. Any email exchange that requires a reply to the sender’s reply should have been a phone call.
I hate hate hate setting up appointments by email.
For one, I maybe check it once a day. So, if you’re trying to plan some junk out, it better be at least a week away if you’re using email. Because you’re going to send an email about availability and then I’ll get you some times and best case scenario, you’ll say OK.
But more often than not, we’re going to send no fewer than 6 emails to settle on something we could’ve solved with a five minute phone call.
You are wasting my time if you expect me to check my email a second time today. It is Asynchronous communication. If you want an answer, make time to get the answer.
This is the biggest challenge to communication right now:
We aren’t thoughtfully familiar with the difference between Synchronous and Asynchronous communication.
Communication tools like Slack and texting give us the feeling that we can have instant results from an Asynchronous tool. That we can do our part and then the other will do theirs.
Or we are demanding Synchronous for everything, making everything into a face-to-face meeting, even when Asynchronous tools are far more effective. And far less disruptive.
So the simplest way to improve our communication with one another right now is to get better at two things:
- Identifying the difference between Synchronous and Asynchronous communication, remembering that
- Synchronous are face-to-face meetings and phone calls and
- Asynchronous is everything else: email, text, slack, social media and
- Deploying the strategy that is more useful to the situation.
Doing those two things could dramatically improve your communication and the communication within any organization.
If you want to dive into the weeds on this idea, read Cal Newport’s A World Without Email.
But of course, this isn’t the only challenge to communication. And I’ll share the second biggest challenge to communication next week.