As parents, we have all been there.  There has never been a child that G-d has given us that hasn’t cried for what feels like a little too long or at seemingly just the wrong time.  All parents have felt this stress. And every parent has lost it.  I remember a specific instance in which my kid, so unconsoloble, was simply left in the bed so I could recouperate.  I just needed some quiet, otherwise, I would have done more harm than good.

The article, “Is Crying it Out Dangerous for Kids?” is the first I’ve seen to push back against the modern American preference for putting the parents first.  It raises questions about the very principles of our customary childrearing.  And I’ve got to believe its on to something.  What if our drive to make our kids independent is psychologically harmful?  And what if there is too much emphasis on parents taking care of themselves first?

I’m reminded of something we learned in seminary about how we handle professional ministry.  A good portion of our study was focused on balancing us out so that we don’t give everything we have to the church and mistreat our families as a result.  Therefore, the buzzword was “self care”.  We always had to make sure we were treating ourselves right. This advice makes a lot of sense when the individual in question is a workaholic or some egotistical control-freak who needs to take a step back.  But what about the people raised on “self care” as the watch word?  Would the problem swing too far in the other direction?

Perhaps too much is placed on parents “being the parents”.  When my daughter was in the NICU the day after major surgery on her third day of life, and she was having trouble latching onto my wife’s breast and they had just started giving her formula without discussing it with us, one of the surly nurses was pushing us to feed her more.  This, of course, was necessary for her treatment, but we weren’t included in the decision.  Our poor baby took about 2 ounces and then naturally stopped and refused to take more, but the nurse scooped her out of my arms, shoved the bottle up further into her mouth, and told us “You’re the parents.  Act like it.”

I was stunned…and pissed.

We don’t have an epidemic of parents being too sensitive to their children, regardless of what the likes of James Dobson say.  But we sure have a lot of parents placing their needs first, since after all, they’re the parents! We have a whole lot of self care and a lot of dragging our kids around and a whole lot of demanding that children sit motionlessly for 45 minute intervals in waiting rooms.

What if all of the other stuff we do for our children: the clothes, the play dates, the classes, the smothering, the picture-taking: is secondary?  What if what is most important for their development is not when they get potty-trained or when they feed themselves or when they brush their own teeth (without cheating)?  What if all of that stuff we obsess about and judge one another on is so very far down the list that we should be embarrassed.  What if what sits there at the top of the list is holding our kids when they cry?

All of those things at the bottom of that list are about preparing our kids for the future: shaping them to be well-rounded, curious leaders who have every opportunity under the sun.  It is the present we have trouble with.  Giving our children our undivided attention.  Playing games with them.  Caring for them in the middle of the night.  These very things that make children feel safe and secure in their own homes.  This is what will bring them confidence to achieve all of those opportunities tomorrow.  It is useless if we don’t love our kids selflessly.

The myth of “You’re the Parent” is that we really have any control over our children, when all we have control over is who we are to our children.

No power games.  Just love.  And tickles.  Lots of tickles.