For months I’ve been jazzed about childbirth and what it means.  Weird, I know.  And posts from Thursday and Friday cover that area, but one thing surprised me:

Not everybody even gets what happens in labor, including those that have gone through it.

At first, I thought it was because I was focused on it, but I found this to be a serious stumbling block.  If we can’t keep the process straight, why do we insist on freaking out expectant mothers?  Because I’ve noticed two things everybody feels entitled to speak with authority about and without invitation:

1. Their childbirth and parenting experience and
2. Their pastor/presbyter’s preaching

And to be honest, it is pretty annoying.  No offense.

Here’s what prompted it.  I was talking about Rose going into labor at about 6 pm, progressing into active labor at about midnight, and then pushing at 1:20ish.  This was much quicker than her labor with our daughter, which began early in the morning and didn’t move into active labor until the evening.  The other person gave me this confused look.

Her: So was it Braxton Hicks then she went into labor?
Me: No.  You know, labor: going for a walk, stopping every ten minutes and then keep walking labor.
Her: Because I was in labor for 15 minutes and then it was done.
Me: Huh.  Well, it went quickly and they’re both doing great.

This is one of the reasons I wrote about the trouble with misunderstanding the birth experience: because not even understanding the process makes us lousy comforters and worse, lousy supporters and educators for the next person who goes through it.

Expectant mothers can read books until the cows come home and it won’t change the fact that they don’t really know what is going to happen to them.  But here is what is important for all the rest of us to get through our thick skulls; for theirs and for our sake.

1. Mothers all have different experiences, but they are all alike at the macro level.  So one woman feels one way and another might not describe it that way, but overall is importantly similar.
2. We are mammals and designed to give birth like mammals.  So, stop watching A Baby Story and start watching YouTube clips of elephants giving birth.  Seriously–you’ll learn a whole lot more about your experience from nature.
3. Every woman progresses through stages during labor.  The time when a woman feels the urge to push is not labor–that’s birthing.  Some women are more sensitive to their laboring than others, so don’t begrudge those that do or don’t have your experience.
4. Stop competing with other women or parents.
5. If you didn’t give birth naturally, don’t be pissed at those advocating for natural birth practices.  We honestly don’t think you are bad.  You didn’t fail.  You aren’t weak.  So stop begrudging us.  See number 4.
6. There is no need to make birth matters a competitive exercise.  The shortest labor doesn’t win, and numbing the pain of childbirth doesn’t mean you aren’t an active participant in your own birth.  It is a problem to me if you want a baby without the work of birthing the baby.  You don’t pick up a baby like a car at a new car lot.
7. Obstetricians are not the enemy or the wise sage of all things birth.  They’re surgeons first and foremost. The cesarean section is major surgery and should never be seen as routine or thought of as unintrusive.  There is a serious problem when virtually the rest of the world has fewer maternal deaths and fewer C-section rates, since the World Health Organization links the two as related.  If you have had a C-section and everything is hunky dory, then great.  But please, don’t get defensive when someone says that the best thing for your daughter is to not have one because it is true.
8. Get excited that a new baby is born to great parents.
9. If the parents are lousy, know that the child still has a chance to turn out OK.
10. Oh, and if you’re a dude, go to birth classes with her.  Skipping doesn’t mean you’re cool, it means you’re a tool.
11. And while I have your attention, give your woman what she needs.  If she needs you in the tub, get your ass in there.
12. Don’t let your friends/sisters/children/nieces remain ignorant about birth, her options, and how important the birth process is.  Engage her and make sure she approaches the birth with more intention than she has done anything else.
13. Relax.  It’s natural.  Don’t be afraid.
14. We are blessed by this process.  This is no punishment.  The doctor’s main concern shouldn’t be about managing pain as if you were diseased.  The labor is the signal to your brain of what stage you are in.  Trust your body.

Remember, we are how others learn about childbirth.

Question:

What would you add to this list?  What do you think every expectant mother needs to know?  What do you need to learn about so that you can teach that expectant mother in your life?