Giving thanks is best when we mean it.
Episode 44 of the Make Saints podcast: “Thanks”
the episode script
I don’t like thank you cards. Giving or receiving them. I know this is an unpopular opinion. But hear me out.
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Jacques Derrida had this idea he called The Gift. We might think of it like this.
Imagine you see the perfect something for your friend. You buy it, wrap it, and take it to their house. You knock, they answer, and you hand it over.
What happens next?
In most cases, the person says “Oh, thank you! You shouldn’t have!” Often truly trying not to accept this unsolicited gift. But you insist.
Later, after you’ve gone, the person feels so funny about accepting this nice gift, that they feel obligated to do something nice for you.
Obligation destroys the beauty of the gift.
This is the central drama of the gift. We don’t expect to receive stuff for free. There’ve gotta be strings attached. Because we like to attach strings! Those strings might be a thank you. Or a thank you card. Or a reciprocal gift.
Which means we aren’t really gifting. We’re bartering: offering something in exchange for a payment of a thank you.
We think of this as simply “being polite” but it is often a social transaction.
When we receive a gift, we feel obliged to respond. So we are compelled to rid ourselves of that obligation. We must gift back to eliminate the gift debt. Usually needing to match them dollar-for-dollar.
Meanwhile, the giver wants to be recognized for giving. I am confident there are at least a few people cooking family dinners this time of year expecting to be thanked. Or, perhaps even more commonly, expecting to get mad at how they won’t be thanked.
Derrida contended that for something to truly be a gift, it would need to be given without expectation of receiving anything. You must want to give the gift. That’s it.
Giving in Secret
There’s a passage in the gospels that many Christians are familiar with. But we hear it at a different time of year. On Ash Wednesday, before we put ashes on our foreheads to remember that we are dust and to dust we shall return, we read a passage from Matthew 6.
It says that we should give alms in secret so that we aren’t recognized for our generosity.
When we hear this at the beginning of Lent, with a mind toward what to do with those ashes, we aren’t likely to be thinking about buying gifts for friends and family. But the implication is poignant here.
Jesus isn’t saying we must give to the poor in secret or don’t give at all. He’s saying *don’t do it to look good.* Don’t be generous to receive praise, thanks, popularity, or recognition.
But instead, give anonymously, generously, and secretly, *to avoid all of that.* And therefore not gain status and be raised up before all of the people.
In other words, we ought to give gifts for the sake of giving gifts. And we should receive gifts with the gratitude that someone was so generous with us. And all of this expectation of recognition is all ego stuff that gets us into trouble.
Giving is Good
I do recognize the need to recognize others. Love Languages and all of that. And I’m no different. I love being noticed. And it feels good! But I also know it’s not about me. It’s not about the receiving, but the giving. And that includes being thankful.
I’d rather focus on doing something that is worth being thanked for. And NOT being dependent on the thanks.
So as we gather around tables with family and friends, let us enjoy each other’s company. Focusing on our thankfulness, gratitude, and love. And may we offer an antidote to expectations, freedom to be ourselves, and thankful that we actually are not in charge of someone else’s gratitude.
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Thanks for listening to Make Saints. Because (eternal) life is hard. And we could use all the help we can get.
Be well, and we’ll see you again soon.