Is that sometimes you can’t.

The thing about kids is that they will ultimately do what they want. And this, of course, is a good thing.

We can’t make our kids resilient. We can, at best, help them develop the tools to be resilient.

As the idea of raising resilient kids becomes even more trendy amid a global traumatic pandemic, understanding this is doubly important.

First, what do we even mean by resilience?

Resilience isn’t toughness.

The problem with a word like resilience is that it is a measurement of capacity. And it’s about outcomes. Like survival and thriving.

It isn’t a measure of raw power.

And yet we often look at in just that one way. We treat similar words, like toughness, strength, and grit the same. They become synonyms for power, rigidity, stability, which leave infinite other options out.

When we think only of willpower and determination, we trap ourselves in ways that make us less resilient.

For example, skyscrapers built to be strong are dangerous during an earthquake. They are not only more likely to topple, but will surely take out the buildings around them. That’s why we build skyscrapers to sway with the rumbling earth. As much as we fixate on the methodology, the result is that they are fare more likely to remain intact.

There are different parts to resiliency. And different ways to be resilient.

There are also different kinds of kids.

For many of us, we mirror a one-dimensional approach to resiliency with our one-dimensional approach to raising kids. An idea that often starts as soon as a child reveals the slightest independence. Or perhaps the moment a “helpful” grandparent asks You gonna put up with that?

In helping my own children be resilient, I’m struck with how different they are. I can’t simply apply what works on the elder to the younger. I’ve tried. A lot.

Understanding that all kids are different and that resilience looks different for each is hard enough. Dealing with it is even harder.

It ultimately depends on shifting our expectations as parents. Listening to what our kids are really telling us. And getting honest with what resilience looks like for them.

Some kids think nothing of dusting themselves off when they fall down. They just get right back up. For others, overcoming any fear is an incredible accomplishment.

Those kids, the ones who need us most, can’t be made resilient by fiat. Sometimes the gimmicks or the “tough love” can help. Usually, they just need to be heard and understood and loved.

In other words, they learn resilience when you show it to them. By showing your willingness to try things a different way.