Imagine if a random dude one day declares that he is the pope.

This man isn’t completely random, perhaps. He’s got friends. He’s connected.

Of course those connections aren’t Roman Catholic. He’s a member of the Army of God. He’s an activist. He’s proudly helped shut down clinics. He claims credit for radicalizing a young man to kill Dr. George Tiller.

'Nobody in history is like Pope Bob.' Share on X

And this man starts preaching internationally and finds himself in Europe. He preaches a big sermon, a really important one in a place that is important. Let’s say Paris.

This man, let’s call him Bob, just starts calling himself the pope. Of course there’s Francis already, but you know, he’s got other plans. Good plans. Big plans. Unprecedented plans. It’s fitting then that he takes his own name when he becomes pontiff. So he’s Pope Bob.

Nobody in history is like Pope Bob.

And Pope Bob doesn’t much care for Pope Francis. Too weak. Too liberal. Too easy on the heretics. So he just claims he’s in charge of the Roman Catholic Church but it isn’t really the Roman Catholic Church because nobody can just waltz in and become the pope and just chill at the Vatican. That’s not how they roll in Rome. Besides, Pope Bob has some big plans for Paris.

So Pope Bob gets some guns and goons and sort of cleans roll and sets up a pretty good stronghold in Paris, so it’s more like the Parisian Catholic Church. But that isn’t a good enough name, is it? Catholic’s good because it means universal, so it has a bit of the right hubris to it, but not enough. We’re going for the top.

We need to use some serious reverse psychology: we need to make all the heretics say something demonstrably untrue as a proper name and make them say it over and over again. Eventually it will have to become true!

Then it hits him. The perfect name

Universal Church in France and Italy

It is great. He’ll get everybody calling them UCFI and it would create outrage all over the world. But the best part would be to get newscasters all over the world to say every night: The Universal Church. All of them everywhere saying it over and over: The Universal Church strikes again! The Universal Church is taking over! A dream come true!

You know the rest of the story, of course. You’ve read the headlines. Pope Bob goes on a terror streak and starts attempting to convert the world by force. He invades Southern Europe and Northern Africa, claiming territory around the western Mediterranean for The Universal Church. He appeals to those disaffected Christians, brutalized and ostracized throughout the Middle East and Europe. Reports out of the U.S. say even some young people from North America have flown to Paris to join UCFI.

Then the big one. UCFI radicalizes Christians in Cairo who stage a massive, coordinated mass murder throughout the city. Then, today, Egyptian airstrikes on Paris.

Now the whole world fears him and this church.

News of troops on the ground and a continued air campaign in France and throughout UCFI’s territory has led to increased recruitment and radicalizing of new Catholics who flock to Paris to join UCFI. With each attack, more Christians become Parisian Catholics to serve Pope Bob as their supreme leader.

And it is all going according to plan. A plan to start World War III, bring the Apocalypse, and get raptured. But first, Pope Bob has a whole lot more people to butcher. And he couldn’t be happier.