The grace of living together
Proper 22B | Mark 10:2-16
We definitely have a spicy gospel today! Is this a three-pepper dish or four? There is some heat. Marriage, divorce—and Jesus’s hot take on both is something to behold, isn’t it?
But first, let’s remind ourselves that Jesus receives this question about divorce on his way back into Hebrew territory. Since chapter seven, Jesus and the disciples have been traveling in Greek space, visiting with Greek people, healing and proclaiming the Good News. And new crowds have gathered around.
And don’t forget, this whole time, his disciples have been off their game. First Peter doesn’t realize that he’s making himself a stumbling block, then the disciples can’t exorcize a demon that is tormenting a boy, then they argue about which of them is the greatest, Jesus tells them to treat children like they are God, and then the disciples try to stop an unlicensed disciple healing in Jesus’s name.
Now, the disciples return to Judea, crowds surround them again, and the critics return, too. And keep all of this in mind as we jump into interrogation here, especially the part about children and stumbling blocks and the disciples’ being slightly off.
The problem with divorce is marriage.
That’s what Jesus says, anyway.
But before we dig into what Jesus is saying, we need to be honest and interrogate what we’re thinking about. What comes to mind when we think of marriage? Do you think of wedding days and La-Z-Boy recliners and dinners on the table? Do you think of your marriage or your parents? Or do you think of TV couples like Lucy and Dezi?
The baggage we associate with marriage, whether it be loving or abusive—joyful or fearful—is so often filtered through the platonic ideal of love, commitment, and mutual understanding. And against this, we all seem to fall short.
And then, when we talk about divorce, we often jump to “pro-” or “con-”, as if the thing we all need to do, right now, in this room, at this moment is to take sides in a galactic debate over the concept of divorce ever being of value to humanity or if it is always “a bad thing.”
I can’t tell you to silence all of these voices, but I can say settle down. Recognize just how uncomfortable the conversation gets. How judgey we think other people can be. How defensive we can feel. And just how much the notion of love, commitment, and participation in a life-long covenant is personal, vexing, and just so human!
So, are we settled down enough to dig into this mess?
OK. The thing Jesus condemns is not Divorce. It is how people approach the practice of marriage. He says that Moses gave them divorce because they are lousy at being married. And that is the real issue here.
Our problem is with marriage.
Several years ago, I listened to an interview with an anthropologist who was discussing some of the major leaps in human health and development. It was fascinating. But at one point, the conversation turned to marriage and she asked the interviewer how long, in years, the average marriage lasted in 2017. The interviewer, like us, didn’t have a number top of mind, but thought it was probably low, guessing about ten years.
“Twelve years,” the anthropologist responded. “Now, guess how long the average marriage lasted in 1917.”
The interviewer took a beat, guessed “Thirty years.”
“Twelve years,” the anthropologist responded. It was the same!
1917 is pre-vaccines and modern medicine. Women died in childbirth by the thousands. People died young. Which means far more people could count on one or two hands how long they were married than could count on ten hands.
My response to hearing this was that, rather than complain about no-fault divorce arriving in the 1970s as something “ruining” marriage, I blame the church for not helping people figure out how to stay married without shame, guilt, and legal codes!
And there’s a reason that people under the age of 30 are more likely to buy a house and have a child with someone than they are to get married to them. Because they think marriage is a bigger commitment than real estate and parenthood! We are teaching them that.
So what is Jesus saying about marriage, other than that the people are bad at it?
It has to do with our vision of unity.
Jesus says that, in marriage, two are joined into one flesh. And what we’re trying to do is have it both ways. To be both one flesh and two. Or, we see it as putting two complementary fleshes next to each other and claiming it as one. Saying that a man needs to provide and protect and a woman needs to make a good home is not a picture of one flesh. It’s two flesh living side-by-side. It is no more united than a couple with two bank accounts.
Paul seems to be on the right track when he says to the church in Philippi:
“Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus”
—Philippians 2:5
Being of the same mind. It isn’t about abandoning self to become like them, but something more like a mutual transformation of two people into a new singular being. Someone filled with grace and love, perfect for living in the Kin-dom of God.
This might seem idealistic, but I think we continue to see the concept of marriage from within the body of an individual, separated and apart, rather than as yet another example of a sacramental existence—of being in holy communion with another. It is a manifestation of divine relationship—of mutuality and grace, unified, not by purpose or law or consequence or fate, but by love and devotion to be more than oneself—to be a part of a new creation, wholly committed to a project of mutuality, understanding, and total participation.
Now, not everybody can do that. Obviously. So we have an escape clause.
Now here’s a short word on divorce.
Jesus compares seeking divorce to adultery. Which, let’s be honest, is pretty harsh. But this is not a condemnation of divorce exactly. And definitely not a prohibition on divorce.
He compares seeking a divorce to adultery. Notice, too, that he places the blame on the one seeking it. Given what he has said, I suspect that, if Jesus were to revise this for a modern audience, he would take a different approach. Because, for instance, if a person is actually committing adultery, perhaps the blame doesn’t go to the other one for seeking a divorce. Because the point is one flesh. Exiting that one flesh is the problem. And many people exit that one flesh through ignoring their spouse, through workaholism, excessive attention to children, and any number of things that pull us away from one mind. And this doesn’t even begin to describe mental illness, abuse, and even more extreme factors.
A Christian prohibition on divorce isn’t Christ-like. And neither is making marriage so onerous that we’d never consider being born again with another person.
Which brings us to children as owners of the Kin-dom.
Resist the impulse to stop them.
We love to control children, thinking we’re teaching them. But this is the third time in a handful of verses that Jesus has specifically said to resist stopping kids from expressing the Kin-dom of God in this world. We must refuse to be a stumbling block—to resist throwing ourselves at the feet of another to cause them to stumble. Especially children. Especially those who are learning how to love and be and find grace in this world.
This isn’t to say we don’t have rules for our kids, or that our kids run our home, but that our need to control them, dominate them, enforce our way, is deeply problematic. And it is this need for control that will lead us to cause harm to our kids. Because we are not of the same mind as them. We aren’t listening to them. And they are the owners of the Kin-dom.
Jesus is tying all of this into the same teaching, isn’t he? Seeking marriage as seeking unity and seeking divorce as seeking separation (individualism) sits easily in this moment about not abusing one another, seeking to control other people, in treating children with the same love that we seek to offer Jesus and God. That our human divisions are built, not by our seeking the way of love, but by jealousy and a refusal to give up control of our domination systems.
The good news of the Good News is that we are not trapped in any of this. We aren’t stuck with the way things are. We, as a people, can change.
And this is our subtle dance, as people, as blessed children of God, that each of us inhabits a body. One body. Ourselves. With emotions and memories and ambitions and longings and stories of great loves and losses and pains and joys—and that each piece of us builds a stunning tapestry of our individuality.
And yet, each of us, too, offers a vibrant package of living that is sewn into our collective tapestry, into a we of brilliant love and holy likeness. And we want our place to matter, we want our singular lives to matter—ourselves to matter—so that we can be fully known. But we lose sight of the fact that none of us is seen by others if we see ourselves as the only tapestry that matters. Our loves, our teachings, our culture: wanting that for our children, control—it all has a way of erasing, not just the divine tapestry, but our own. By obsessing about ourselves, we make ourselves invisible to the rest of the world.
Our work is not to be known for our individuality, but to be ourselves in the divine tapestry, offering beauty to share in our collective beauty.
Love, friends! Love like Christ! Let his mind be in us, that our eyes may be opened, our hearts opened. That we might know true grace and love as one.