My grandfather loves to tell the story of how he and my grandmother first got together. He thinks it’s a sweeter story than it really is. He relishes the telling and loves to watch Grandma squirm as he goes. He builds it up, giving the reader clues about how he needed to woo her and how she was a little less interested in him than he was in her. Then, after all the build up, he tells you about how he went to her house and sat with her parents while she was on a date with another man.

Then he moves from this to joyfully describe the gift he gave her: the gift that was going to woo her forever. He bought her silverware.

Be still my heart! I know that’s what you’re thinking. What a romantic! Silverware!

They were children of the depression, after all. It was certainly a different time. And growing up, I could see the love they felt for one another wasn’t found in the story, but in the telling of the story. They didn’t love then. Love doesn’t work like that.

Love is different today. So is marriage. Click To Tweet

Love is different today. So is marriage. And so is what we expect from marriage. And given that marriage has been big news as of late, particularly in my church, here is a list of 10 things everyone should know about marriage and the church.

1) There are three marriages

In every conversation about marriage, we must recognize that there are three different marriages: the contract between two people, the civil marriage recognized by the state, and the religious marriage recognized by a religious organization. The oldest of the three is the contract between the couple (or really, between the man and the bride’s father). Though each may inform the others, they are not the same. Couples may certainly have one kind of marriage without having the others.

2) Ministers act as agents of the church, the state, and GOD

Ministers have long been deputized by the state to do the state’s work in marrying people. That is why, when we get married in the church, the single ceremony covers all three marriages. It is just as easy, however, for a minister to choose not to act on behalf of the state, marrying only in the eyes of the couple and the church. In places in which marriages were not allowed between two particular parties, ministers have often participated in the binding together of the two persons without the state or the church’s involvement. None of the parties is required to accept any other type of marriage as a legitimate marriage, however.

3) Not all marriages are the same

We know this from the different families we’ve met in our own lives, but not all marriages are the same, and certainly aren’t founded on the same principles. Historically, marriages have not been love fests; they’ve been contracts and agreements. Polygamy was the norm for centuries. Monogamy as the norm is barely a millennium old. People get married for all sorts of reasons. And religious communities do not have universal expectations for marriage or universal definitions of marriage.

4) Social understanding of marriage constantly changes

My grandparents’ story is a perfect example of how marriage was seen 70 years ago. We can imagine how much changed by the late 60’s when my parents got married, then to the early 00’s when I did. If that is the course of 70 years, imagine how much has changed over several thousand.

5) There is no consistent “Biblical marriage”

Scripture in the Hebrew and the Greek is all over the place about marriage and what is expected, reflecting some 1,400 years of evolution of the concept. From marriage simply being defined by Isaac and Rebekah having sex, to Jacob’s two wives and the two slaves he took as wives, we immediately see problems for the church and we aren’t halfway through Genesis. But the only thing approaching consistency in the Bible are the expectation of contract, and maintaining of familial lines. But monogamous, “traditional” marriage is not at all normative or directed by scripture. In fact, the only times Jesus speaks about marriage are to address divorce and levirate marriage, and his responses are you have divorce because you suck at marriage and dude, nobody’s married in heaven!

6) Marriage is covenantal

We believe today that marriage is a covenant (agreement) between two people to love each other and stick together for life. The oldest norm of marriage is less covenant and more like a business contract between two parties. In fact, we could think of it as being like a purchase agreement. A man gives a dowry to another man as payment for his daughter. Then the deed to the daughter is passed from father to husband. This, of course, is why fathers often “give away” the bride. A covenant, however, is not merely a contract, binding two people in a court, but an agreement in the eyes of GOD that these two people will become one flesh.

7) Marriage is not just about the two people

If the two people getting married are making a covenant together, then what does this actually mean? How is it any different from a contract? Covenants are not oaths sworn between two people with the imprimatur of GOD being cool with the idea. They are promises that actually involve GOD. We don’t make covenants with the bank, written up by a team of high-priced lawyers, for instance. Covenants are promises made with GOD, promises that often involve action on the part of all parties. So when we get married, it isn’t just two people choosing to live together, so we throw them a big party. We actually hope that they are brought together with GOD’s help.

8) Marriage is sacramental

Marriage is one of the church’s sacramental rites. This means that it isn’t a blessing only, but the outward sign of GOD’s grace and the sure means of that grace. So ultimately, the act of getting married, what we call Holy Matrimony, is not merely an expression of a couple’s love, but the revelation of GOD’s grace in our midst. It is a powerful and visible manifestation of GOD’s love for humanity. If you’d like to learn more about sacraments, check out this post.

9) Marriage is primarily about GOD

So when the people are gathered to witness the binding of two people in Holy Matrimony, they see a revelation of grace and a manifestation of love. That means that this is way bigger than those two people, or the many who witness it, but it is a sign of what GOD is doing with us! Holy Matrimony, the binding of two people into one, is not about us, but about GOD, and how GOD expresses love and devotion to humanity. How we express the marriage rites demonstrates how bold GOD’s love really is.

10) We all promise to uphold their vows

In the midst of the marriage rite, those who witness make a vow to the couple, to one another, and to GOD, that they will uphold these two people in their marriage. As much as we want marriage to be about the two getting married, we miss the more central thesis of the event: that GOD has brought us together in devotion and binding love and we are all responsible for keeping this covenant intact. We are to help one another. We are to protect one another. We are to make the binding so strong that neither would hurt the other, destroy the other, damage the other’s spirit so much that they would separate. This isn’t a promise to be nosy or a demand to protect the abuser, but the opposite! It is about protecting the two people so that they may fully express the love and devotion GOD promises to us! And it is all the other stuff: the nasty work schedules, the financial responsibilities, the child-rearing, the verbal abuse of outsiders and nosy neighbors that erode a marriage more than anything else.

What other things should everyone know about marriage and the church?